Why Can't I Have You?
by Lizster88
Summary: Severus and Lily grow up together and their close relationship sparkes jealousy on James' part. What happens when he decides to break them up? -Sn/L-
1. A Meeting of Fate

**Why Can't I Have You? **

Chapter I

She's so beautiful, he thought as he watched her on her backyard swing from behind a bush. Her unusually bright green eyes twinkling in the summer sun, her long red hair flying behind her, _like flames_, he thought as she swung forward giggling.

It wasn't the first time he had came there to watch her but he was afraid to talk to her because he thought she wouldn't want to talk to him, someone everyone thought was a freak because he made things happen, odd things, things they couldn't explain, so they shunned him out.

It didn't help that he walked around in weird clothes either; he had a huge tuxedo jacket on with jeans two times his size buckled with a leather strap, a white tee-shirt, some old dress shoes and an old withered black tie.

They had moved in about a week ago and he knew she had an older sister that hated her for some reason, he couldn't imagine why.

One day as he was watching her on her swing she swung up too high and threw herself off. He got up quickly waiting for the fall with worried eyes but when she didn't fall and hovered in the air for a moment drifting gracefully back down to the ground all thoughts of them not being friends, at that point, had gone.

"I know you're there", Lily said looking at the bush he was hiding behind, "Were you spying on me?"

"So you can do magic, too?!" he said coming out from behind the bush looking up from the ground at her.

"What do you mean 'too'? Can you do it?" said Lily no longer defensive but curious.

"Yes. … Watch"

He snapped his fingers and a white rose appeared from thin air he caught it and handed it to her, smiling timidly.

"Wow, can you show me how to do that?".

"It's not that easy, you have to practice a lot".

"Oh that's alright I'm patient. What is your name, may I ask?"

"Severus Snape, but you can call me Sev" he said bowing.

"I'm Lilian Evans. You can call me Lily" she said curtsying.

They both laughed at this.

"How old are you?" asked Severus.

"Ten. What about you?"

"I'm ten too. That means you're going to Hogwarts next year then?"

"Hogwarts? Where's that?"

"You mean you've never heard of Hogwarts?" he said shocked.

"No".

"It's the only the best wizarding school in England."

"Wizarding school? Is that what I am then, a witch?" she took a minute to process this, that would explain a lot, but witches didn't exist did they?

"Well yeah, didn't you know?"

"No I never really knew why I do all these weird things", said Lily.

"Well you should be getting your letter next year. And then after your first year at Hogwarts you cannot do magic out of school and especially in front of muggles or else you go to the wizard prison, Azkaban."

"What are muggles? How do you know all this?"

"The ministry of magic says so. Muggles are people who don't do magic. Your parents don't tell you much, they must be muggles".

"Oh, yeah, I suppose they are! I'm the only one who does magic in my family".

"Really? You're pretty lucky then" he said smiling at her.

"Wait a minute, how come you know that muggles exist but muggles don't know that witches and wizards exist, for real?"

"Well, they have to erase the memories of any muggle that has seen magic being done. The worlds are better off not clashing too much" said Sev.

Just then Petunia's voice was calling "Lily time to come in".

"Bye, see you tomorrow, nice meeting you, Severus, I mean Sev" she said smiling back at him while she started walking toward her house.

"Nice meeting you too, Lily".


	2. Seven Years Later

Why Can't I Have You?

Chapter 2

_Seven Years Later_

It was a beautifully sunny evening at Hogwarts, mid-Spring. Everywhere you would look you would see people having a break by the Black Lake just talking and

laughing, influenced by the happiness that came with a warm spring afternoon.

Hogwarts became very beautiful around this time with its green fields, mountainous landscapes, lake and trees in bloom.

Everyone was enjoying themselves except for a certain dark haired teenager who was straight away at work, under a tree, reading his potions book, studiously,

while taking notes at the side.

In front of him he had his small cauldron and some specific ingredients which, at the moment, he was grinding, cautiously, and, as he added these, the potion

turned an impressive shade of purple.

He looked at it, read what colour it was suppose to be turning (dark purple) and frowning and touching his chin in thought he tried to figure out what he had

done wrong.

As he stirred it he saw that if he stirred it a specific way it would get darker so he continued taking notes until, finally, he had managed to get what he wanted. It

was dark purple now and fuming.

Now he needed to test it … but on whom?

_Where's Lily when you need her!?_ he thought frustrated.

Just as if on cue Lillian Evans popped out from behind the tree almost causing Severus to knock over his cauldron and its contents.

"Lily! You almost made me spill it", said Severus but as he looked up at her he was no longer displaying a look of anger anymore but rather a half-amused face

looking at his best friend.

"Sorry Sev. I was looking all over the place for you! Been busy, huh?", she said looking down into his cauldron and potions book.

"Rather", he said stocking his potion in about seven little glass bottles.

"Hey, wait a minute, it's lucky you showed up", he said slyly hiding one of his bottles behind his back.

Seeing this Lily said, "Oh no, you're not testing another one of those on me! Last time I ended up telling you all my secrets that I keep with my girlfriends. No

Sev, not again!"

"Oh, come on! Just a bit", he said whining, "come here".

He started chasing her down a hill. Lily was laughing her head off at this, while Sev was, at all cost, trying to catch up with her, weazing.

They ran past the Black Lake in fits of laughter. Finally, they reached the forbidden forest, because Lily was ahead she hid behind a tree and watched as a tired

Severus Snape stopped to catch his breath doubling over and breathing heavily.

"Lily, o.k., it's not funny anymore, we can't go into the forbidden forest", he said looking into its depts with a worried look on his face. Lily could help thinking

that she loved when he made that expression, he looked so handsome when he did it and she knew he only did it for her, he cared about her.

He started walking into the forest, against his will, and started calling her name.

"Lily! Lily! Stop doing that! Come out! O.k., you don't have to take the potion just come out!"

As he passed her tree, she came up behind him and covered his eyes with her hands.

"Guess who?"

"Lily! Never do that again! You scared me to death."

"Come on, I'll race you to the castle."

"Lily!", he called but it was too late she had already speed off towards the castle, he grinned and took off after her, this time with more determination.

They were halfway down to the castle when suddenly Sev lunged himself forward and caught her around the center and heaved her to the ground.

They hit the ground and Severus' glass bottle flew from his grasp crashing on the ground and leaking all over the grass but he took no notice. He was laughing

and looking down at Lily who was bellow him giggling. He was still holding her in his arms and didn't want to let go.

They both, suddenly, became serious and just looked at each other. He felt his heart beating faster as he looked into her eyes now only set to his, those bright

green eyes suddenly entranced him and then he was moving closer to her face, his gaze narrowing to her lips. She suddenly pulled him closer to her tightening

her grip on his back, and since he wasn't expecting this he looked at her questioningly, half-smiling and then, simultaneously, they leaned forward and kissed

each other passionately. There, hidden from the rest of Hogwarts alumni between the forest trees, they shared their first and only kiss.

* * *

_I know that it may look like I made the kiss happen too early but there's a reason for it (see theme), well, I hope you liked it, please review._

_-Lizster88_


	3. The Not So Forbidden Love Triangle

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 3

After that day in the forest, Lily and Sev's relationship had changed quite a bit. They now spent a lot more time together.

They walked the halls hand-in-hand, sat under a tree watching the lake and talking, studied together and when they weren't together they had their owls exchange letters between them.

Everything seemed to be going perfectly.

They were so well off that their houses started commenting about them being a couple.

This gained Lily some enemies in her house, Gryffindor, and the same happened in Sev's case.

"He's a Slytherin you know, they're all bad to the core" said Ingrid, one of Lily's friends.

"You can't judge a person by their house; not all Slytherins are bad just like not all Gryffindors are good. I didn't know you thought like them, Ingrid", she finished looking at her friend angrily and disappointed.

By 'them' she referred to the people from her house that came up to her and called her things like 'house traitor' or just plain looked over at her with a loathing expression then turned to their friends and whispered something to make them smirk.

"Besides, we're not exactly officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet; he still didn't ask me", she said grabbing her books and loading a number of them into her backpack.

She was heading off down to the library to meet him.

When she was walking down the stairs she ran into James who said "hi" shortly and then, as if remembering something, asked her very rudely "where are you going all loaded up like that? Going to meet up with Snevelious?" laughing at his own joke like he was surprised at his own brilliance.

"Don't you dare call him that James Potter! And don't think I won't go to Dumbledore; I know how you and your little friends pick on him, you're low and pathetic."

"Me pathetic?", he said indignated but slightly affected by the remark about Dumbledore, "you wouldn't dare tell Dumbledore."

"Try me" she said with a loathfull expression.

At this he backed off but not before turning back and saying, "He's hiding it from you, you know."

"Hiding what!?" she demanded but he just smirked and ran off.

She decided he was just trying to annoy her, pulling her chain, but still it intrigued her and saddened her. What could Severus be hiding from her? Could it be true? If it was, what was it? _Why did James have to run off, little jerk, I wanted to know._

She continued down the stairs deciding to trust Sev, he wouldn't lie to her, right?

8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 88888888888888888


	4. Planting the Seeds of Deception

_Sorry for the long period without updating been working. Hope you like it. Reviews are good too, critics are welcome. _

_-Lizster88_

* * *

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 4

As Lily entered the library it didn't take her long to find Severus; he was straight into his research in front of a huge pile of books his dark, neat hair gave him

away at first glance.

He turned as he heard her call his name and smiled warmly at her making her feel ashamed and guilty for even thinking bad of him; her

best friend who she trusts wholly and person she loved deeply.

"Hi Lil! Glad you could join me! I've been waiting for half an hour now! I've already started researching for that essay on 'the most powerful and deadly poisons'

that professor Higsworth assigned us. There's so many, it's crazy! ... Is there something wrong?" he added seeing her expression.

"Severus, you would never lie or hide something from me, would you?" said Lily looking at him with a simultaneously curious, guilty and attempting casual sound

in her voice, that gave her away in a second, followed by a shocked expression as Sev backed up against his chair looking at her serious and nervously.

Not looking directly at her, his eyes flicked to the top right corner.

"No. Why would I do that? Besides, I would never try to hurt you and I bet I couldn't possibly hide anything from you to begin with. Hum hum."

He cleared his throat clearly wanting to change the subject.

"That's what I thought," she smiled at him but at the back of her mind she still had doubts.

Severus was never much of a 'goodie-two-shoes'.

When he was younger his father had left after he had found out that his mother was a witch, not thinking twice before leaving the child that, in his point of view,

was a freak.

So he lived out his teenage years in revolt towards his father for making his mother suffer.

The only one that seemed to understand him was Lily and he would always be grateful for her sticking by him through the years.

Now this James Potter was trying to split them up whenever and however he could, he would either torture him with his little gang of 'monsters' or come

poisoning Lily's thoughts against him.

Oh yes, he knew that it was him. Why else would she suddenly ask such a dangerously precise question to him?

He had to stop James before he told her. She'd never understand or forgive him and just shun him like everyone else had done until then; he couldn't bear to

lose her.

It was something that he found he was really good at and fascinated him more than anything else for one particular reason: he could use it to get revenge on his

father, which seemed to fuel his desire for it always more. Not to mention the power that came with it. For now he didn't use it against James because it would

give him away and James and Sirius seemed to be pretty powerful already. He wouldn't stand a chance against all of them.

He felt a rage bubbling inside of him at the very thought of him and how he was ruining his life for the only reason being his arrogance.

At times he didn't know why he was in Slytherin at all and why James was in Gryffindor.

Weren't Gryffindors picked for being brave and good of heart? James didn't have any of those qualities; he was arrogant, wicked and definitely not brave as he

always fought four against one.

The only reason he knew he, Severus Snape, should be where he was was because of his need for revenge.

He looked up at Lily and smiled weakly.

"So … about our essay or Professor Higsworth might just drop your perfect score to an A instead of an A+ and we wouldn't want that would we?" he asked with a

sarcastic look to him.

"Poisons, then?" she said smiling and now more at ease but smirking from his last comment, "Let's see what you have. Hum, we should organize it a bit, put the

most important ones first. How about we do the essay on these three" she said pointing to some rather nasty poisons.

"Good idea but how about instead of this one we do Dragsbled Weed, everyone knows that too much of a love potion is poisonous."

"Not everyone and with the Christmas ball coming up, no precaution is too small."

"Well, with that I can't argue. Some girls will do anything to take Potter to that dance. Yet, he hasn't picked one yet … guess he hasn't found anyone at his level

yet; arrogant and an all around git that happens to have a brain and is on the Quidditch team at the same time. Fate is unfair to the good and favors the wicked.

Oh yeah, how stupid of me, I forgot," he said smiling widely, "would you like to come to the ball with me?"

He was suddenly good-natured and polite.

She giggled slightly at this sudden display of changing of atitudes, from angry and putting off to chivalrism.

"Thought you'd never ask" she stated smiling.


	5. Getting to the Bottom of Things

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 5

"What do you think he meant by 'he's hiding it from you'? He wouldn't say that if he didn't have a reason, right?" Lily said jumping into her bed and slipping under the covers.

"I don't know, Sev _is_ a bit mysterious," Rachel stated making her suspicions grow even stronger.

"I know ... he seems like he disappears sometimes, you know, he _could_ be hiding something", she said agonizing about the thought of him in 'dark' business.

"Something or someone?".

"You think he would cheat on me?"

"Well, technically, you're not boyfriend and girlfriend yet".

"Anyway, no, I think James said that he's hiding _it_ from me, whatever _it_ is".

She was starting to get frustrated and looked over to her friend, in her four--poster bed, for advice, hoping she could come up with a brilliant idea to fish the truth from either James or Sev.

James, of course, was the easier target.

"I have to get James to spill de beans".

"How about at the dance?".

"Oh, the dance, I almost forgot … well one thing is for sure: I have to get the truth before he asks me to be his girlfriend, or else it'll be worse. I love Sev, I really do but I can't stand being lied to, not a good way to start a relationship; a web of lies".

She flicked the light off with a new determination growing inside of her for what was to come.

This was, after all, her best friend they were talking about.

She had to be careful, their friendship could be lost forever if she made any wrong assumptions.

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

As he flipped the page to his enormous Latin translation dictionary, he found the words he was looking for: cut, _Secta _and then deep, _Sempra. Sectasempra,_ perfect, he thought to himself. (ver)

What hate did to him, fuel his rage, and was the main contribution to the 'awaking' of his dark side.

Then, after endless research of spell work and countless nights of practicing the spell on fruit, small animals and on himself, he succeeded.

This was just a spell he'd use in last resort but at least he'd have it, just in case… let's just say he was sick of being picked on and if James wanted war, he'd get war.

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

"James, wait up," Lily yelled to a James who disappeared behind the nearest corner.

She figured he ran for it as soon as he passed it.

"Damn it! That little weasel...".

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

A/N: Hee hee that last one was really short, just had to put it in… Anyway, really sorry for not updating in sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long.

Hope you review,

--Lizster88


	6. Hatching a Plan

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 6

_Lily, you will be mine. Not long from now, I'll prove it to you…_ James thought watching an enraged Lily stomp away, having not accomplished her mission.

_I just have to catch the little oily haired freak in the act._

Catching him in his conspiring thoughts, his friends Moony (Remus), Padfoot (Sirius), and Wormtail (Peter), snuck up behind him almost causing him to have a heart attack (he thought it was Lily and imagined a worse case scenario of her forcing a Veratuserum potion down his throat), before he realized who it was.

"Avoiding us now, Potter?" said Sirius trying to keep a straight face (failing miserably of course).

"Of course not pup, then again maybe I am" said James with a flat-out evil grin.

"Who are you trying to kid, you wouldn't last two minutes without us; we are your bodyguards" Padfoot said cheekily.

"From whom? The herd of girls fighting over who's taking me to the Christmas party? Yes, I think I definitely need some".

"Don't tell me you haven't picked one yet!?" asked Sirius in utter shock.

"No, I haven't. I think it's a bit pathetic, if there isn't a better word for it, that they're fighting over me. They don't want to take me to the party anyway, they want to take: the Gryffindor seeker, highest in class honors and rich boy Potter to the dance not me" he said while a bunch of whip-lashed boys stared at him.

"Well… if you want someone at your level", said Remus considering his options, "your equal… umm… let's see... who has the highest scores: you, Sirius, Gretchen Wilder, and Lily Evans."

"Wait a minute," Sirius interrupted, "you want to take Lily Evans to the dance don't you but she's already going with that Severus Snape git."

"Something tells me she won't be going with him, she'll change her mind soon" he said with such security that his friends stared at him like he was going to murder the guy or hex him so badly he couldn't move until after the dance.

As he noticed the sudden change in his friends' attitudes (they were all considering the many ways to get rid of, temporarily, their favourite victim) he figured what they were thinking and corrected himself immediately.

"No, I don't want to hex Snape, blokes."

"Then what were you thinking of?" they all asked at once.

"It's something better than that, I'm going to destroy whatever bond they've got left, I mean, their relationship has to be a little rocky already with the seed of doubt I've sewn already."

"Stop with de strange encryptions and tell us what you want to do already, it's too much for Peter's tiny brain to handle; just look at him, he's more confused than he usually is" Sirius said with a smirk.

"Yes, try to speak us simpleton talk please, oh wise one" Peter said with a wry teasing smile.

"Ugh, fine, you all know what Severus Snape's into, right?"

"Yeah, that's why we love to hang around him so much" Sirius said with a smirk, referring to their hobby of torturing Snape.

"Well, Lily obviously doesn't know about it. So…"

"You're going to catch him in the act" said Wormtail with a grin, happy he could be of use.

"Very good Peter!", said James, surprised that he got there first, "but Lily's has to be there. I've already seen him do it plenty of times, how do you think I got those spells? Got to admit he can be quite a brilliant bloke when he sets his mind to it."

* * *

_**A/N: That's it for now I have a plan for the end of this story; finally, it came to me (yesterday). I tried to write it all down today but I think parts of it got lost, I'll try to remember. Should be some chapters left in the story, I know, it's short; most of my chapters are in this story. I'll try to make a more thought-induced story for my next one. But for now, in this story, it's gonna be short chapters; I want to finish this story in a couple of chapters (I predict 3) plenty of other ideas to use. **_

_**Don't forget to review! They've helped a lot thanks guys.**_

_**-Lizster88**_

**_Oh and special thanks to CharcoalEclipse for editing :) _**


	7. It Came!

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 7

**(The previous day...)**

-James' P.O.V.-

-The Great Hall-

"It came!", said an overly excited James Potter, "I'll put this to good use! Finally Lily will see what you really are, Snively".

His expression contorted into a glowering look at the object in his hands.

Being a pureblood he was completely clueless to how it worked but he knew what it was used for, so, being the most popular wizard in school finally had its useful side. He had already convinced a muggleborn third year to teach him how to use it, the third year obliged immediately in exchange for tips on how to do a very complicating looking Quidditch trick he had so spectacularly pulled off in the last match. It seemed like a good deal and, one hour later, he knew everything about the machine.

Now he could finally test it out…

Looking down at the object he started turning it around in his hands. Recognizing what he had been told was a lens he popped off the cap, holding it close to his face he looked through the eyepiece and looked around the room, amazed, he pulled away from the blinking letters and saw the record button flashing, frenetically, a bright red light at him.

Curiously, he pressed it and the screen, in the eyepiece, turned from a blinking white square outline to a red one. The third year said this would happen when it was working, knowing this he let out a "Yes!".

Looking around him he saw that a number of people were now staring at him like he'd gone nuts but, at the same time, they seemed to be vaguely interested in the object that had captured the older wizard's attention so intently.

As he pressed the 'stop' button and watched the piece of 'film' that he had 'taped' he let out an "alright!" and ran out of the great hall and practically skipped to his hiding spot (an empty classroom that Severus practiced in) and slipped the invisibility cloak over himelf with his new video camera in hand about half-an-hour before the unaware senior student would arrive.

8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 88888888888888

-Sev's POV-

-The Library-

_Where did I see that book? ...Umm...no, no, no, oh, here it is!_ he thought as he pulled out an enormous translation book entitled: Latin/English Translation guide.

He sat down at the nearest table and opened the large book, flipping through it briefly, recognizing, now and then, words used in actual spells. He got up after inspecting the book, grabbing it, and left.

Arriving at a familiar vacant classroom he looked around suspiciously and then entered it.

8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 88888888888888

-Lily's POV-

-Potions Class-

Resting her head on her arms, folded over her desk, she was deep in thought. After a couple of seconds, she let out a small sigh.

"Could someone enlighten us with the uses of unicorn hair in this potion? How about you, Miss Evans?" suggested Professor Slughorn.

"Huh?" she exclaimed coming out of her trance "oh, … um … could you repeat the question, Professor?".

"Are you feeling alright there, young lady?" said the professor, with a half-stern, half-worried expression, contemplating his favourite student.

"Oh yes Sir, I'm just a bit .. tired" she said feeling bad for having to lie to the Professor that had become one of her dearest friends.

"Oh, keep up the good work then" he said smiling at her with a look that seemed more like a proud father looking at his daughter "but don't forget to get some sleep as well" he added rather sternly.

"Ok, Professor" she said with a defiant but, at the same time, disciplined tone in her voice, characteristic of her normal, fun self.


	8. Surprise!

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 8

After the events of the next day (following Severus to the village and filming him purchase a small mouse and some very strange-looking dark objects), James was ecstatic with the footage he had gotten. It wasn't, however, enough to convince Lily, yet. He needed something substantial, something that, without any doubt, shows that Severus is practicing dark arts. So he continued to spy on him and film, what he had figured to be, the making of _Sectasempra_.

He was sure he'd catch him soon (hopefully killing the mouse).

That evening he passed a very curious Lily Evans, who was trying to get information out of him – at all cost.

He never thought he would be running _away_ from Lily. It's the last thing he wanted to do but he couldn't show her the tape yet or she'd just shrug it off as a "montage", a set up. He couldn't risk it.

_I'll get you yet,_ James thought watching Severus leave the room.

"Hi Lil! What's wrong? Why so serious? It's not you", Sev said with a teasing smile.

"Why didn't you come to Potions class, yesterday?", demanded Lily, getting right to the point.

"Oh, well, I wasn't feeling so good", he lied.

"Well, you look pretty fine for someone who had been sick just yesterday!", she exclaimed accusingly.

"Oh, .. I went to Madam Pomfrey", he said looking at the ground, he hated lying to her.

"Oh… well… why didn't you tell me where you'd been? You have no idea how many things I'd imagined had happened to you".

"Sorry, I didn't want to worry you", this time he seemed sincere.

"It's ok", she said smiling timidly, he still had that effect on her.

After hearing his apology and seeing his eyes rest on her face in a tortured expression, she wanted nothing more than to just be with him. The time she was away from him felt like an eternity.

She looked down at his fidgeting hands and grabbed one of them, calming him down. She then lead him, hand-in-hand, out to the grounds where they spent the afternoon together sitting, watching the lake and just talking.

The next morning, Lily had not seen Severus at breakfast or the whole afternoon for that matter.

She had returned from Transfiguration class worried that something had happened to him, _where has he gone? He's skipping a lot of classes, lately…_

She passed the fat lady with a sulking expression and as she sat down in her favorite arm chair she felt something sharp poking at her side. Looking down, in the crease of the chair, she found an envelope. She immediately flipped it over to see its cover. Quickly recognizing her name on it, in perfect, slanted calligraphy, she held it up closer to examine it. It was addressed to her! Her curiosity at its peak now she opened it and pulled out a very neatly written letter that read:

_Dear Lily, _

_As you may have remembered, today is the anniversary of the day we met. So as to celebrate such an important event (that it is, well, at least to me), I am inviting you to accompany me to dinner, in Hogsmeade at Madam Puddifoot's, tonight. Of course, I've already asked permission and the teachers agreed we can go. _

_I'll be waiting down at the main entrance of the school. You can make fun of me all you want (I'll be wearing a muggle tuxedo) but I'm expecting you not to make me look like a fool standing at the front entrance in a monkey-suit! Ok, please don't do that! _

_Meet me at 6:30 pm on the steps._

_Yours truly,_

_Severus Snape _

She finished the letter letting a small giggle escape from her radiant face and then comprehension suddenly came at her: he was missing all day because he was preparing a romantic dinner for her!

Looking down at her muggle watch she glanced at the time (5 o'clock), she didn't have much time to get ready. _Damn it! He should have warned me ahead of time. What if I hadn't found the letter? _Then again, he knew her too well. She always sat on that chair reading at that time. _I have to get ready! What do I possibly have to wear to a thing like this! I'll have to improvise … ha ha … I love magic! ... _


	9. The Aniversary Date

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 9

**A/N: Hi guys! Sorry it took so long to get back to this story ... life's problems got to me ... a year, goodness! The chapter's a bit longer than usual ;) Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: No I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters associated to the franchise (I just wish I did so I could make a big difference in the portrayal of some specific characters, not naming names *cough* Severus Snape*cough*).**

**-Lizster88**

* * *

As she arrived at the grand entrance, Lily saw Professor Gerritsen there waiting for her, with one of the doors already open for her passage. As she noticed Lily approaching, she displayed a large grin and welcomed her accordingly.

"Ah, Miss Evans there you are! Your … escort has been here for some time now, he's waiting outside.

You know, that's a fine young man you have there, he set an agreement with the teachers, a bargain of sorts, to get this dinner outside of the castle. But I'll let him tell you about that, gives for an amusing conversation.

You don't want to keep him waiting, now do you?" the professor finished shooing her out the front door.

"Thank you very much, Professor, for allowing us to go to dinner. I can't say how much we appreciate it", she said as she was pushed out the front door.

"Oh, no, thank you!" she said rather mischievously.

With that she was out of the doorway with it snapping abruptly shut behind her. Staring unbelievingly at the entrance door she turned around to find Severus in a wonderfully well-suited, elegant tuxedo with a single miniscule white rose in the front pocket of his coat jacket and a radiant smile that enlighten his tired, handsome features.

It seemed like every time he saw her he would automatically crack that smile, he just couldn't help himself and she could never be angry at him after that.

Tonight he looked very sophisticated. He had gelled back his hair, neat as always, he looked very charming to say the least.

"Good evening, miss", he said playfully, "dinner awaits!" he said holding out a hand to take hers and they ran, like escape convicts, from the school to the horseless (or at least it seemed so) carriage that awaited them.

Helping her up first, like the gentleman he was portraying tonight, she giggled a bit at his sudden show of chivalrism. As soon as they were both seated they were off unaware of the fact that they were being watched from a castle window by a very upset young man…

8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 88888888888888

"You have to tell me what you promised the teachers for them to allow us go to dinner, in _Hogsmeade_, at this hour," she said with a truly impressed expression, adding, after he sent her a resignated, but humored look, "Come on, Professor Gerritsen said it was … what was the word … ah yes: amusing," she finished with a smile and a very curious look that said 'I will not give up until you tell me'.

Sighing, Sev looked at her knowing he wouldn't get out of that subject without telling her, suddenly feeling not so amused with his act.

"Couldn't we just enjoy the evening … (receiving a disappointed glare from Lily) ok, ok. Well, um … I'm going to have to assist half of the teacher's staff for two weeks."

At this she burst out laughing, "That explains a lot, wait, what teachers exactly?"

"Aaaa … The Headmaster, the care of magical creatures teacher, Professor Fergusson, Professor Gerritson, …"

"I knew it! Professor Gerritson was simply ecstatic to have me leave, watch out for her… Oh, and the care of magical creatures teacher, Professor Fergusson, I'm so sorry, he'll have you cleaning out the slim from the Higglepuffs … disgusting creatures."

The rest of the carriage ride was enjoyful. They talked about all the gruesome tasks he would have to perform.

When they finally arrived they looked as if they had had a couple of glasses of red wine, red cheeked and cheerful.

"My lady," said Sev playfully after having jumped down off the carriage and offered her his hand to help her out.

"Why thank you kind sir," she said playing along reaching for his outstretched hand, not expecting what he did next: at the last minute he seemed to have changed his mind, his hands reached past her outstretched one and settled on her waist lifting her up with surprising force but at the same time trying to be as delicate as possible.

As an attempt to regain her balance, as she was being hoisted to the ground, she wrapped her arms around his neck, ending up wrapped tightly in his arms but she didn't mind in fact she quite liked it. Smiling down at him as he held her inches from the ground he returned the smile enthusiastically but, reluctantly, thought it better to place her on the ground. Breaking apart, finally, from their embrace as her feet touched the ground.

Grabbing her hand he pulled her along anxious to get their destination. Walking past shops that where now closed they slowed their pace as they enjoyed each other's company in the cooling atmosphere, lighted by the ancient lampposts and the moonlight that guided their way. It was a misty night but the fog only seemed to intensify the feeling of romance as it contrasted nicely against the sparkling stars in the sky that were inviting them to contemplate their beauty.

They arrived at Madame Padifoot's all too soon or at least that's how it seemed. Finding their table they sat and ordered.

"What is the special today?" asked Severus going back into gentleman persona.

"The special is steak and mushroom sauce accompanied by chips and a side of salad. We also have: fish and chips, filet mignon and pasta", said the waiter professionally.

"I'll have the steak, that sounds delightful", said Lily who was watering at the mouth from the description of the special.

"I'll have what the lady's having", he said smiling at her from across the table. She returned the smile instantly.

"Ok, so that's two steaks coming right up. I'll be back with your order. Enjoy your evening!", said the waiter who was jotting down their order swiftly, looking up at them when he was finished, he nodded his head slightly to the side excusing himself and smiled professionally before moving on to the next table.

"Nice service they have here", said Lily looking at the waiter then to the table that already had the plates set.

"Yes, I guess so, but I already had reserved us a table so they were ready.." he said blushing a bit and looking down.

She was about to answer to tell him she liked the surprise but he spoke at the same time so they both stopped abruptly and laughed nervously.

"You go first", said Sev.

"No, I insist go ahead", she said.

"Well, I just wanted to apologize. I said I wasn't going to worry you and today I broke that promise by not telling you where I was or what I was doing. I just wanted it to be special because I really like you, Lily and this day, so many years ago, was one of the greatest of my life. I found a friend, a confident and someone that was like me, that really understood me, something I really needed back then and I still need now," at this he smiled at her and placed his hand on top of hers making her blush slightly but she returned the smile enthusiastically.

"I love you, Lilian Evans", at this she cursed the table for being in the way and looked at him with happiness planted on her face tearing up a bit at this sudden revelation of his feelings.

"I love you, too Severus", she said as he stared back at her with adoration on his face, tightening his grip on her hand and leaning over the table to brush his lips swiftly on hers but she took hold of his face and kissed him. After several minutes they pulled apart.

"What did you want to say?" he asked rather light-headedly.

"Oh nothing… I was just going to say that I liked the surprise very much and that I _was _worried but this defiantly makes up for that!" she said grinning mischievously making him blush.

After dinner, they walked to the shrieking shack talking about the good old times when they played tricks on the neighbors (using magic, of course) and other amusing and embarrassing stories that they remembered fondly.

"Do you remember this one?" he asked stopping in front of her turning towards her and snapping his fingers as a long stemmed white rose appeared in his hand. When he handed it to her it turned a beautiful shade of dark red.

She smiled and looked down at it knowing that it symbolized much more than a beautiful memory but the transition from best friends to soul mates, friendship to love.

8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888 888888

They left the carriages and ran up to the castle gates at 11 o'clock laughing the whole way for almost being late and Professor Gerritsen closed up behind them as they thank the teacher and walked up the entrance and then the marble staircase inside.

He walked her to her houses' quarters.

"Goodnight, Lily", he said looking up at her as he bent down and kissed the back of her hand, respectfully.

Blushing at this, she said goodnight and sadly goodbye forever to those gorgeous black eyes staring back at her.

* * *

**My first official cliffhanger (I think). Yeah, I said they weren't going to kiss anymore but I just couldn't help it! :) **

**I accept all constructive critism you can throw at me but please review if you want me to continue ... cookies for all who review... ;) Oh and Keaneplay, Pooky_the_kid and Artika sorry for the very long wait! Hope you stay with me! :) **

**Byes,**

**-Lizster88 **


	10. A Warning Dream

Why Can't I Have You?

- Chapter 10 -

Eleven o'clock sounded through the castle from the ancient mechanical hour clock as two far away figures passed lightening fast through the shadows of the front grounds quite enamoured and giggling like children who were in trouble.

They were, of course, unaware of anyone watching them but someone was.

James Potter glared bitterly out of his bedroom window, as Sev's face suddenly appeared, followed by the rest of his body, as he passed a near lamppost.

The figure he was pulling along with him came into view as she, too, ran past the same lamppost, soon to be gone as they whisked past it, giggling.

James' expression went from angry and bitter to sad and hurt _~ Ugh it's not fair! ~_ and then to determined and vengeful as he looked from the window to the videotape in his hands, a smirk appearing as he though again of what he had in his power.

"Tomorrow. Tomorrow you'll see Lily. You'll see that filthy slim-ball for what he is!" James said to himself closing the window curtains.

Lying on his bed, starring up at his ceiling, he formulated the last details of his plan.

- Sev P.O.V. - *_Dream Sequence*__ -_

"Lily haha… shall we go through here?," he said leading her from the botanic garden's sunny grounds down a small winding wooden stairwell to a hidden artificial cave. It overlooked a small pond with large brightly-coloured goldfish in its depths.

It had, in fact, quite a beautiful scenery: the weak sunlight that did manage to make its way through the pink cherry-blossom trees, which surrounded the pond with their dangling branches, reflected off of the water's rippled surface and with its water-lilies created a twinkling illusion. The calming rush of the water, its array of soft faded colours and the cave itself with its stalagmites and stalactites made it a truly exquisite sight to see.

"Wow! It's beautiful, isn't it?" exclaimed Sev leaning against the fashioned wood railing that separated the cave from the lower lagoon.

Lily pouted a bit, jokingly.

"Oh, you seem to like looking at it … but I was under the impression that _we_ were the ones on a date, Mr. Snape," said Lily in mock jealousy.

*******A/N:**** It is Sev's dream world so some characters might seem a bit OOC (out of character), saying things that they wouldn't normally say. Just thought I'd mention that now so you don't spite me with hateful comments about that. Now on with the story! ***

Grabbing her around the waist he pulled her in toward him, grinning.

"Oh, I don't know, it is pretty beautiful…" he joked and ergo received a teasing slap on the arm from Lily's giggling form.

"Oh, wait!" she said quickly, unzipping her small traveling side bag, taking out a big gangly Polaroid camera and snapping ***no pun intended, or better yet, pun intended*** a quick photo of them.

As the photo developed his gorgeous black eyes and her bright green ones were the first things that were most noticeable, followed by the wooden railing, some stalagmites over their heads and the beautiful, brightly coloured, pond behind them. Their happy faces beaming up at them.

Out of nowhere it started pouring into the pond behind them and they rushed out of the cave umbrellas guarding them from the downpour.

Suddenly, between the growing mist, appeared James who, calling Lily over to him, whispered to her something terrible that making her glare over to Severus with a heartbroken and angry expression.

James took her by the hand and guided her away with him and her shell-of-a-former-self allowed him to through the now dark mist.

But Severus couldn't move and was trapped in his paralyzed body as she was swallowed by darkness with the same empty expression.

He tried to call out to her but she could hear him.

"Lily! Nooo!"

As she disappeared from sight, he was released from the invisible hold of his body and he fell to the ground in defeat.

Now crying, he looked down at the happy picture in his hands that quickly transformed into a withering place, her disappearing from the photograph, completely, leaving him in it alone, a solemn and angry expression on his face. ***The "Snape expression" ;) (that stayed to this day)***

*_End of __Dream Sequence__* _

*Sev waking up in a cold sweat*

- Lily's P.O.V. -

Lily had a bad feeling ever since the moment she woke up the next morning. Things were perfect, too perfect… and when that happens something is bound to happen: as the saying goes, "what comes up must come down" but it was only an afterthought, something at the back of her mind and she didn't want to ruin this feeling of complete happiness with such thoughts.

Severus had waited outside her house entrance and sent one of her friends to deliver a note to her. It read:

_Good morning Lily!_

_Care to join me for breakfast? _

_I will be waiting in the usual place._

_Yours truly, _

_Severus Snape._

The note was accompanied by a red rose.

Pulling on her school robes and attire as fast as she could and fixing her hair and make up, she hurried to the portrait hole.

"Good morning Lily!" said Sev, his voice impersonating cheerful but his expression and tone said 'there's something wrong'.

"Are you alright, Severus?" asked Lily trying to read his expression. He seemed to be worried about something. He had a clammy complexion and a dogey look in his eyes as if he wanted to hide something and most definitely didn't want to talk about it, but he did anyway.

"I just.. had a bad dream," he stated nervously.

"Oh really? What about?" she asked trying not to look too interested but in reality it did matter because she suspected what it was about: them.

"Oh… nothing, nevermind…"

"Oh, come on. It cannot be about nothing if it riled you so much! Tell me!" she demanded.

"Fine… it was about us. I dreamt that-" but at that moment he was interrupted as James Potter and his pack 'bumped accidentally' past him and Lily.

"Urumpt" grunted Sev as he was elbowed in the stomach by Sirius as he passed him.

"Oh!" Lily exclaimed as she was bumped into lightly on the arm by a passing James.

"Watch where you're going!" said Lily steamily.

- That morning in Transfiguration class -

As Lily opened her backpack to retrieve her transfiguration textbook, she found a folded piece of parchment she didn't recognize.

It said:

_If you want to know the truth about Severus Snape meet me at the Library at 11 o'clock. I'll be in the last self row at the back. You won't regret coming: this information should be of great interest to you. _

It wasn't signed and came as quite a surprise. Although, thinking again, there were many people in both of their houses that wanted to split them up… but still she was curious and decided to go, anyway, to see for herself.

Luckily, Severus had a class at 11 so she wouldn't have to worry about that…

**A/N: A lot of symbolism went into this chapter (in the dream sequence). Leave your input please in the form of reviews ;)**

**Disclaimer: No, don't own Harry Potter or any of the associated characters. Wish I did though, it's so awesome. **


	11. Going Undercover

**A/N: Here's a bit of what I'm working on. I've decided to come back to this story and hopefully I will finish it this time…**

* * *

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 11

Lily entered the library feeling as if she were betraying Severus. _But it is necessary_, she thought to herself, _what if it he __was in __trouble? – I cannot begin a relationship with him if he isn't completely truthful with me either…  
_

As Lily was passing rows of shelves oblivious to her surroundings and deep in thought she was taken aback by the fact that someone had pulled her from behind and she would have screamed had the person not covered her mouth with their free hand. After being dragged a ways into the back row, the kidnapper holding up resistance to her sprawling, punching and kicking, finally spoke, "Calm down, Lily, it's me. I thought you wanted to meet me here, that is what we had arranged, isn't it?"

"James?! What are you… wait I should have known!", she contemplated walking away but decided against it, "Well are you finally ready to tell me what you inferred about Severus the other day? Or are you merely trying to trick me? Spit it out, Potter!"

"I'd rather show you", he retorted to which he received a confused expression from Lily.

"I beg your pardon? What are you going on about?!" she said not understanding to what he meant.

He pulled out a video recorder which she recognized due to her muggle heritage. She gave him a quizzical look but obliged as he ushered her to look into the Viewfinder. What she saw shocked her momentarily and when it had finished she automatically denied it.

"I'm not stupid, James. I know you must have tampered with it", she said not convinced but dazed, confused and slightly doubting in what she herself was saying. _It was possible, but he wouldn't would he?,_ she thought.

"I knew you wouldn't believe the tape, which is why I have further, more substantial evidence which will leave you with no doubt of what I tell you today. This", he said gesturing to the video camera, "is just a sample of what he's done and I'll prove it!"

"Ah, yes? And how do you plan on doing that may I ask?", said Lily staring at James with an almost unbelieving look and starting to get annoyed.

"Just meet me tomorrow at seven o'clock at the astronomy tower and I'll prove it", he said resolved. He did not wait for an answer and walked off quickly past her. She stared after him trying to make up her mind and stunned at his confidence, he seemed certain of what he said and that was beginning to frighten her. _What if it was true?_

xxx

"This is ridiculous! Why am I even doing this? James is probably just playing a trick on me, a very mean one. He has to be … Why I am even going along with this is beyond me… " murmured Lily to herself as she walked up the giant spiral staircase to the astronomy tower.

As she arrived at the top of the staircase and turned to the astronomy tower's wooden door she turned the doorknob carefully and peered inside half-expecting some form of bogey trap but nothing. In the room was only James busily preparing his provisions, hidden from her in a large leather satchel, so she walked in resentfully.

"I am here as requested, so where is this evidence, I pray you?" Lily said nonchalantly and irritated.

"Well, first of all we will have to take a small excursion. Follow me!" he said pulling her by the hand and leading her back down the stairs.

"Where are we going?" there was no response he just continued through his route through a long corridor, passing various on-lookers and passers-by whose eyes followed the young pair, who so despised each other for what they knew, in awe.

When they finally arrived at what Lily could only imagine being their destination as James had stopped abruptly and peered around the corner.

"Wait!", he said extending his arm in front of her to prevent her passage, "We cannot be seen that is why I have brought…" he opened his satchel and pulled out a large ancient purple-blue cloak which he held up for her better inspection "…this".

"A cloak? How is that suppose to prevent us from being…" but she never finished her sentence as she stood watching in awe as James put on the cloak and the parts of his body which it covered, half his body, became invisible.

"That's incredible! I thought those where nearly impossible to come by! An invisibility cloak! Remarkable! I've never seen anything like it before. How long does it work for?"

"It doesn't have a limit of time of invisibility… it belonged to my great grandfather and was passed along through our family to me… it is quite curious, I suppose…".

"Of what I've read of these cloaks there are only three in the world but this one seems infallible! But coming back to the issue at hand, what do you intend to do with this cloak and what are we going to do? Breaking and entering is still against the rules!"

* * *

**A/N: Well, that's it for now. Will try to have another (much longer) chapter up soon Please review, it makes me smile**


	12. Finding Out the Truth

**A/N: To Alethea27, I will try to fix what I can but the video camera will have to stay for the sake of the story making sense. I do appreciate the criticism and feel free to comment again if you find any other irregularities from the 70's.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter but wish I did own young Severus …**

* * *

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 12

"We are not breaking and entering!", James said in a whisper staring at a classroom door, "We should go now the coast is clear, there's no one in sight", he gestured for her to get under the cloak with him, the one that was now almost covering him completely making it hard to do but he made an opening through which she could make him out.

"What? Get in there with you?!", she protested.

"Would you just trust me?", she looked at him with a 'are-you-serious' look.

"Alright, tolerate me for half an hour… I'll give you your space and be respectful but it's now or never" after which she agreed to get in.

They sneaked into the classroom and sat down in James' usual place, hidden by the cloak.

"You must not make a sound when he comes in…" warned James.

"Who is coming in?" asked Lily surprised at his revelation.

"Any minute now…" a few seconds later Severus Snape opened the door looking suspiciously side to side before entering the empty classroom. Lily suppressed the urge to gasp, covering her mouth with her hands and holding her breath, while she watched Severus walk to a nearby desk dislodging all of the contents of his leather courier bag. He opened an ancient large black covered textbook, which was evidently from the restricted section, on a bookmarked page, pointed his wand a rat cage and recited a spell whose syllables sent cold chills down her spine. A red streak of light followed and the rat screeched and twisted in its cage clearly under torture. He was performing an unspeakable curse. Lily buried her face in James' shoulder not able to handle the shock and hurt it caused to see the betrayal which had befallen her and which so suddenly was revealed to her.

xxx

James walked her back to their house's common room, gloating smugly in his head of his success at what he had set out to do while on the outside showing himself comprehensive and open to consoling her: she had had a look of shock and utter despair the whole walk back to the portrait hole.

"Thank you for telling me the truth, James, but I would like to be alone now. You understand, right?" was Lily's only response since her and James exited the classroom and arrived at their common room. She seemed exhausted, quiet, so unlike herself although James did not seem to notice as he knew so little of her and because of the utter delight he felt at his success.

"Of course, of course. Goodnight, Lily", he said politely before heading up to his dormitory. As soon as he was out of sight he grinned broadly, he was in a very happy mood and finally could show it. He had a smug look on his face, a look of victory shinning in his eyes.

Lily, now alone in her room, cried into her pillow and began to think over the events of the day, although not voluntarily, they haunted her waking hours and twisted her dreams to go from happy flashbacks to twisted nightmares. In these, a face would appear in shadows under a large black death-eater hood and mask. They would soon transform into the Reaper as death encircled him causing everyone around him to drop dead. As they inched closer toward her and finally came face to face with her, they uncovered their hood and mask revealing the slightly tortured but evil face of Severus breaking out into a maquiavelic laugh before a red flash devoured her making her wake up in a cold sweat.

xxx

Lily, as she hadn't slept more than a couple of hours that night had woken up early the next morning, evading Severus, who normally waited for her at eight thirty, by slipping out of the portrait hole at seven o'clock in the morning.

She had hated doing it but could not face him after what she had seen the previous night. She needed time to figure things out: where their relationship stood now and even if she still loved him. She felt incapable of looking into his face, seeing the face of the person she most trusted, loved and cared for, the way she now saw it - the face of a twisted evil liar who didn't care for her enough to tell her the truth and, moreover, tell her why he was doing it in the first place. There must be a reason but still that didn't change the fact that he was doing it, it would only polish it no matter what the good intentions behind it were.

It was Saturday and the halls were empty. She walked down the shifting staircase to the Great Hall and sat down at her house table, quite nearly deserted considering the hour and the consuming urge of most to sleep in on the weekend. After verbalizing to her plate what she wanted for breakfast two pieces of French toast, a pear and a cup of orange juice appeared out of thin air onto her plate. How the elves where up so early was beyond her but she ate her meal relatively at peace, although, she was irrationally worried that Sev would show up suddenly which made her jumpy at the smallest sound.

When she was finished she got up with the only intent to go out to the school grounds and get some fresh air near the lake. This seemed like a perfect way to organize her thoughts and think thoroughly about what she was going to do. But as she exited the Great Hall, she collided into James. As they were both going at a quick pace (both for different reasons) the impact caused them both wobble backwards but they soon after regained their balance.

"Oh, there you are Lily! I was looking for you! I thought you'd be up early today because of what happen yesterday… Are you feeling well?", he added innocently seeing her face turn pallid after reminding her so suddenly of what happen the day before.

"How do think I am today James?! Honestly!" said Lily regaining her ground.

"Sorry for worrying about you!", retaliated James.

"Since when do you worry about me, James?" said Lily exasperated.

"I do like you, I just could not stand the fact that you fancied that traitor Severus Snape!" finished James.

At this Lily was silent.

"Um, were you going to the grounds?" said James guessing where her trajectory was leading, lightening the mood. He figured the lake would be a perfect place to talk and using his advantage, at this stage, convince Lily further of the need to dissociate from Severus.

"Yes, actually I was. Would you care to accompany me?", she asked politely and starting to lighten up toward James, as well as for the fact that he was the one who cared enough for her to tell her the truth, she figured he must have some ounce of good in him.

xxx

"He's been at it for some time now. We followed him one day when we found him at Hogsmeade and sure enough he was heading toward Nocturn Abbey since then we've kept an eye on him", James said.

"But _why_? Is he really going to join forces with the dark side? It doesn't make sense; he was dating me for goodness sake! I'm a half-blood!", countered Lily.

"I don't know… he could be a twisted sicko for all we know…Could have wanted to lure you personally to Voldemort, as a sacrifice of sorts. Who really knows what goes on in that evil head of his… You should stop consorting with him, for your own safety, Lily" at this Lily was taken aback by those very disturbing thoughts: that he could be using her to gain the trust of the dark lord and that she would have to stop being with Sev for her own safety; both where impossible to imagine.

* * *

**A/N: This is it for now but I will update soon :)**


	13. Confessions and Decisions

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its associated characters.**

* * *

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 13

Lily began to walk around with James and his friends from that point forward. Every time Severus tried to walk up to her that day to ask her what was going on Sirius and Remus would stop him pushing him away and telling him she didn't want to talk to him. Lily didn't say anything against this and just looked down anytime he tried: she was still confused and hurt to even set eyes on him.

He knew the second she didn't respond to him that something was wrong and that most likely she knew the truth about him. He was desperate to explain himself but James' goons would not let him get past them. His heart broke every time he looked into her eyes, for that split second before she looked to the ground, and saw despair and sadness in them. He hated himself for not having told her before, to have explained the reason he had been practicing dark arts in the first place so she would see that he is not totally a bad person just a vengeful one. He hated seeing Lily this way: her high-spirited happy strong usual self was now put out and tortured. It needed to stop. He couldn't stand it anymore, he had to put things right he needed to speak to her, tell her the complete truth even if it meant she would not speak to him again. He just could not see her like that it hurt him both physically and mentally.

"Lily please! You need to know the complete truth! He's twisted this situation against us. Please just give me the chance to explain! Please, if you felt anything for me at all, or at least a tiny fragment of what I feel for you, talk to me" at these last words he stopped yelling and looked at her with the utmost sincerity and sadness in his expression.

She couldn't stand it anymore. She couldn't stand the pain she was causing him. If he said he would explain then she wanted to hear it. Sirius and Remus moved to 'take care of' Severus.

"Stop! Please stop", she said to Sirius and Remus, "I want to hear what he has to say" they looked to James.

"Lily, it's a waste of time. He's no good filth", said James pushing her gently away from Sev's direction.

"I said I want to hear what he has to say!" she said pulling her arm away from James.

"Lily, remember when I told you that my father had abandoned my mother and I when I was born?" she nodded in response choosing to stay silent and listen to his story.

"Well, he left us because he found out my mother was a witch and that I was, in his eyes, a freak and not his son. He made my mother suffer until her dying day: she loved him. She loved the man who shunned us for the sole purpose of not being normal, being freaks. I vowed on my mother's grave to avenge her, to find him and impose the same suffering on him that he had caused to us. To show him what he did was wrong and to do it I would use the very thing that he despised: magic. I admit that I started to become power-hungry and for that I am truly ashamed but I never learned the dark arts to align with the dark side. It is solely for my need for revenge and I see now that it was wrong, I should not let this consume me and in turn become like my father, fall to his level. Just imagining that I would lose you over this foolish venture has opened my eyes to how wrong it is. Please don't let it end this way. You're the only good thing in my life. Without you I would be consumed by the evil that is poisoning my heart."

Lily was in tears at this point and fully understood now the reason but there was still something troubling her.

"If this has been with you for so many years it will not be that easy to just forget and that is not the Severus Snape I thought I knew but a totally different one, one I don't know, one I've never met. Why did you keep this from me? I thought we told each other everything. Why would you purposefully lie to me all of these years?"

"I didn't want to get you involved and I didn't think you'd understand. I'm sorry. I was wrong for not telling you."

"You didn't think I would understand?! I told you how my sister thinks I'm a freak, how she doesn't speak to me anymore because I can do magic."

"It's different for you. You can do magic and she can't and your parents adore you for that. You're the perfect daughter to them she's just jealous… My father rejected me even before he got to know me and left my mother in poverty and a broken heart to take care of us both; I had to grow up quickly and work to help sustain us. Every time she looked at me she said she saw my father staring back at her, that I was a spitting image of him. It killed her to look at me and be reminded of him."

"This revenge you seek changes you. I've seen the expression on your face when you perform it."

"He'll never change, Lily. Don't waste your time with this traitor" said James.

"Lily, I know now that that is wrong. Please help me fight against it. I cannot do it without you" he held out his hand to take hers. Lily was about to step forward to take his when before she could James whipped out his wand.

"How dare you try to touch her! You filthy scumbag!" with this he began to pronounce the syllables of _Sectasempra_ to which Lily quickly made up her mind.

"Nooo!" she quickly jumped in front of Severus, was hit and fell into his arms as the full impact of the curse threw them both backwards onto the ground. As Severus, horrorstruck looked down at Lily he saw a huge gaping wound that bled out in gobs. James looked at her in shock and dropped his wand while dropping to his knees at her other side. Severus hopelessly grabbed Lily's face and said: "Stay with me, Lily!" as she became weaker and began to close her eyes. He quickly performed a healing spell he had learned to counter the curse but she had already blacked out from shock and loss of blood. He yelled out: "Somebody please help!" he turned to a third year and ordered in his desperate state while trying to maintain some control "Get Madam Pomfrey! Now!"

xxx

Lily was out cold on a hospital bed, the only thing keeping her alive was blood from the hospital wing's blood bank. Severus was at her side not believing that this was really happening. That because of his spell Lily was battling for her life. _Leave it to Lily to, at the last minute, do something incredible like try to save my life, _though Severus_._ But he'd rather a million times to have been him and not her. It was all his fault, if he hadn't had so much hate in him to invent that God forsaken curse and if had just told her earlier, from the beginning…

"This is all your fault!", James said heatedly bursting into the hospital ward, "If you would of just left things be, none of this would of ever happened!".

"You're right" Sev said bluntly.

"If you hadn't…wait what?" James said surprised at this response.

"I said 'you're right'. If I hadn't invented that spell you wouldn't have wanted to learn it to boast it around as yours as you normally do-"

"Well I never-!" protested James.

"-and Lily wouldn't be in this hospital bed fighting for her life" Sev finished.

"You are not good for her. If I were you I would just leave. Go as far away as I could from her. Look what you've done already", James said.

"Oh, Lily forgive me! I am so sorry you got caught up in the middle of this. You're right; I would never stop until I found him and made him pay. You don't want to be with someone like me", he said totally broken down and vulnerable as he opened his soul to her unconscious form.

"She won't have to! She has me!" interjected James.

"Take care of her, James", he said turning to leave the room.

"I will," he said in surprised response.

James looked down at Lily, he had got what he wanted but it felt wrong. He wanted her to fall in love with him not settle for him. She most definitely proved who her heart belonged to that day when she stepped in front of Severus. She loved him and he didn't want to win this way…

xxx

Just then she started to move and slowly her eyes opened as she came to. She jolted up "Severus! No."

"He's alright, it's all over now, calm down, Lily. It's alright," her limbs slowly relaxed but tensed up again when she realized it was James' voice speaking to her. "I'm sorry; it was at the heat of the moment. I didn't think…"

"Yes, you didn't" retorted Lily with the little moxy she could muster causing a small chuckle to explode from James.

"Where is Severus?", he looked down ashamed of what he had convinced him to do, "Well?"

"He just left… but don't worry about that now. You need your rest if you want to get better! At least three more days in here by the way" he said jokingly trying to lighten the mood.

"You cannot be serious", she said resentfully.

"I'll leave you alone to rest then", James said starting to head for the exit.

"James?" said Lily.

"Yes?", asked James expectantly.

"If you see Severus would you tell him I'm ok and not to worry. Also, I'd like to see him…".

He lowered his head disappointed, "Of course, if that is what you wish."

* * *

**A/N: I liked writing this chapter at the same time as I was sad to … Thanks for the reviews they give me the will to keep writing. Keep 'em comin' :) The story is coming to a close soon, btw, and I loved writing every bit of it.**


	14. Harder Decisions

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its associated characters.**

* * *

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 14

Under Madam Pomfrey's care Lily was out of the hospital wing in just a day and a half. She had healed quicker than expected due to the healing enchantment that Severus had performed on her when she was cut. James had come to visit her everyday but she still felt horrified at the sight of him as she kept having recurring nightmares due to the traumatic event that had put her in the hospital. Even though she knew he didn't mean to do it to her she still couldn't forget that horrible day and the fact that it was intended for Severus.

Severus had not come to visit her in the time after she had woken up. She was starting to get worried: it was so unlike him not to visit her. _There must be something wrong_, she thought, _I've got to find him_. The day she got out of the hospital wing, she had only seen him in classes but he had quickly run out at the end and she could never catch him.

That evening she went to the dungeons to try to talk to him but his friends Avery and Mulciber, who were on their way to the dungeons, interjected her rudely.

"If it isn't Lily Evans! I never understood why Severus ever got mixed up with your lot to begin with. Now he won't even speak to us. Says he plans on leaving Hogwarts" said Mulciber crudely looking at her sideways waiting for her reaction.

"What! That can't be! Where is he now? Do you know?" demanded Lily.

"We don't know but even if we did we wouldn't tell you!" sneered Avery arrogantly turning to his house quarters without another word, closely followed by Mulciber who followed suit and tossed Lily a quick smirk at the 'witty' response his friend had just given.

xxx

Lily had racked her brain thinking of where Severus would go in such a short time. _He must be thinking it over if he really plans on leaving Hogwarts_, she thought_, he always does that whenever he makes big decisions._ Then it came to her: he must be in his secret place. It was the place he went to when he wanted to think about something or when he just wanted to be left alone. He had found it in the second year and had shown it to her straight away. He trusted her enough to keep the secret of its location. _He must be there now_, she thought. She grabbed her coat and headed outside.

xxx

As he stared out at Hogwarts from the cliff top thoughts raced through his mind: he was scared. Scared of what was to become of him after leaving Hogwarts, would he be tempted to join Voldemort? He didn't think so. He was against the killing of innocent people. The only reason he'd consider it was the mastering of the Dark Arts but at that price it was not even an option. He was scared of if he actually followed through with his plan, what he would actually do if he found his father. But most of all he was scared of not having Lily by his side through it all.

*Flashback*

He and Lily were laying down on their backs staring up at the clouds on the floor of their tree house.

"That one looks like a dragon!" said Snape pointing at a large cloud.

"Where do you see that? No it doesn't! It looks like a cat arching its back. See that's its tail and there's its head" she said pointing at the same cloud he had mentioned.

"I wish we could just stay up here forever", Sev said staring up at the sky then turning to face her.

"Me too! But we can't silly" she said giggling still staring at the clouds.

"Promise me we'll always be together, Lily?" Sev said sitting up and suddenly holding up his pinky, "Pinky promise me!". She raised her pinky to link with his.

"Cross my heart, hope to die-" she began.

"-stick a needle in my eye" he finished.

They began laughing at this.

*End of flashback*

He lowered his head into his hands confused, frustrated and heartbroken. This was driving him crazy.

xxx

As she was approaching the cliff, from which the Hogwarts castle was clearly visible in its totality surrounded by a heavy mist, she saw the familiar black hair and white complexion of Severus Snape perched upon the side of the cliff staring at the castle deep in thought. He had then hung his head and held it between fist-loads of black hair.

It seemed he hadn't noticed her presence until a twig snapped under her foot. He got up at once, surprised and hesitant, turning to her and fighting an interior battle of whether to want to escape, be happy to see her or just hold her and make sure she's alive and well. But he didn't do any of those things he just stared at her like he was grieving about something.

"There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you! Are you ok? Is there something wrong?" she added looking at his face.

She started to move toward him but he signaled for her not to, holding out his hand at arm's length and at the same time closing his eyes and saying, "No, Lily stop." She stopped in her tracks and looked at him with a mix of hurt and questioning in her eyes.

"Why should I?" she asked.

"I can't bare it", he said still through closed eyes, "I can't bare you close to me again, not now when I've made my decision."

"To leave Hogwarts?", she said tears visibly forming now in her eyes, "to leave me?" these last words hardly audible. He looked down to the ground at this. Why must they go through so much suffering?

"I still love you Severus. Why must you leave? What is the purpose? Do you not love me anymore?" she said horrified at the possibility.

This last comment made the torment rise full blown on his face. Of course he still loved her. But the image of her soaked in her own blood in front of him came flooding into his head and the guilt took over him. What if she got hurt again? What if it was because of him again? No, he couldn't stand that thought and if she stayed with him it was what would happen.

"Yes, I don't", he lied.

"You don't mean that!" she said in tears.

He hated doing this and he couldn't take it anymore he needed to end it quickly.

"Yes, I do and I don't need you to fight my battles for me, you… you… mudblood!" he said mustering up all of his will power and looking her in the eyes.

After this she looked at him with utter shock and hurt written on her face before it turned to anger.

She burst out at this "What?! If that's what you think, then go on then leave! I never want to see you again!" and she stormed off down the hill side.

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry but it had to be done :( This story is more of a backstory to the whole Severus-Lily relationship, well my take on it. There is one more chapter in this story. It will be very sad but almost symbolic. I'll post it soon, maybe tomorrow… fingers crossed ;). Reviews are always welcome and thank you to everyone (wow 20 reviews omg!) all the best :),**

**-Lizster88 **


	15. Silent Goodbyes

**A/N: Sorry took one more day than I said I would but there's a reason for that :D (You probably already guessed it but if not read bottom author note).**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its associated characters.**

* * *

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 15

Lily hooked on her last earring, slipped on her high heels, straightened her long flowing white gown and took one last look at her appearance in the mirror and after finally satisfied with it she sighed and headed downstairs. Waiting for her at the bottom of these was James turning as she walked into the common room. He smiled broadly, "Lily, you look beautiful! …Ah, shall we? ", he finished awkwardly offering her his arm. He was dressed in black and white dress clothes.

"Yes, let's" Lily said taking his arm.

They exited the Portrait Hole and headed down to ball. The Great Hall was fashioned into a dance floor with small tables to one side. Silver streamers hung down from and covered the entire ceiling.

Severus had been gone a couple weeks now but Lily still had that feeling in the pit of her stomach when she thought of him. The feeling that he should be the one there with her instead of James. She wondered if he was ok wherever he was.

James had, over the past couple of weeks, seemed to have matured and no longer bullied anyone and took on a kind nature. He became responsible and brave defending the younger students from being picked on, usually by the Sytherins. She admired him for that. He slowly began to grow on her and she slowly opened up and let him in.

They danced through the night until their feet were tired. He led her to the garden outside, which was decorated with hundreds of tiny glowing lights for the ball, and they sat down on a garden bench under a large oak tree. They smiled timidly at each other and James leaned in slowly and kissed her lightly. She was surprised at first but didn't protest. A single tear dropped from her eyes as she thought of Severus.

From above, sitting on a thick branch in the oak tree, Severus dressed in black dress clothes, was watching them. Dropping his head, he jumped down from the tree's branch into the back pathway, a teardrop falling from his face to the asphalt ground.

The End.

* * *

**A/N: Well, that's it: the final I had imagined to this story. **

**Although, after much thinking about this ending, for the reason that I feel like a horrible person for making poor Sev and Lily not have their happy ending, and after much demand ;), I thought I should make an alternative ending. So if you want to read that feel free to in the next "chapter". Thanks to everyone and thanks for putting up with me through this whole story, I know I tortured poor Severus but when you think about it so did J.K. ;) … but it did make a beautiful love story in the Harry Potter series :) …**

**-Lizster88**


	16. Alternative Ending Moment of Realization

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its associated characters.**

**A/N: Music listened to while writing this chapter: Raheem Devaughn – "Butterflies" from the soundtrack of "A Thousand Words" :D**

* * *

**Why Can't I Have You?**

Chapter 16 – Alternative Ending

"_Yes, I do and I don't need you to fight my battles for me, you… you… mudblood!" he said mustering up all of his will power and looking her in the eyes. _

_After this she looked at him with utter shock and hurt written on her face before it turned to anger._

_She burst out at this "What?! If that's what you think, then go on then leave! I never want to see you again!" and she stormed off down the hill side. _

He stood there in shock for a moment at what was happening. What had he done? What a mess this had all turned into. What had happened to them? Why was he letting James win? Why was he treating Lily like that?

No. He couldn't live without Lily. A life without her flashed before his eyes and it was then that he realised it was not worth living it. It was not worth living it alone, in solitude, without happiness, without the one he loved by his side, incomplete.

He realised that he was making the worst mistake of his life. So he took off running after her, finding her a little ways down the dirt path. He pulled her by the elbow so she faced him.

"Lily! Wait. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it", he said.

She looked up into his eyes seeing the truth there but she refused to let up.

"What do want from me Severus? I don't understand you, honestly!" she said exasperated, "One minute you want to be with me, the next you say you don't love me anymore, you call me a mudblood-"

He had kissed her full on stopping her from continuing her rant, although mad she couldn't help herself when he kissed her and she kissed back and in that kiss she could understand how much he really did care for her and how sorry he was.

"I lied" he finally said with a smile as he broke the kiss suddenly with true happiness stamped on his face she couldn't help smiling in response but hit him lightly on the shoulder.

"But you called me a Mudblood! What do you have to say about that, huh Severus Snape?" she said reproving him.

"I'm sorry Lily. I felt guilty for you getting hurt because of me", he said looking down, "I didn't want to see you hurt like that again. So, I planned on leaving so I wouldn't endanger you again. I had to make you hate me for you not to try to stop me", he finished looking up from the ground at her.

"I can make my own decisions, you know. I love you and I want to be with you no matter what the risk" she said looking up at him and tightening her grip around his waist, wrapped under his embrace, "What made you change your mind about your brilliant plan, by the way?" Lily finished mockingly looking up into his eyes.

At this his expression became serious.

"I realised I couldn't live without you. I just couldn't imagine myself without you-" _she _had interrupted _him_ this time with a passionate kiss of her own. The world around them oblivious to them at that moment, it dissolved around them - when they were together only they existed in their special moment, in their own world.

The End Again :D

* * *

**A/N: Well, hope you guys liked this story. I know I loved writing it! Lily and Severus 3 :D I do personally like this ending better but the other one was more along the lines I had planned for this story. Which one did you guys prefer?**

**Best wishes to everyone,**

**-Lizster88**


End file.
